NEW YORK—Dejected by the scathing New York Times review of his new Times Square–based eatery, Guy Fieri was reportedly consoled today by local Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. franchise owner Phillip Grayson, who told the depressed Food Network star, “Hey, definitely been there before, man.” “Don’t worry, bud, I know exactly what you’re going through right now,” Grayson said to a crestfallen Fieri, explaining that he’s “seen more than [his] own share of bad reviews slamming Bubba Gump’s Dixie Fishwich and Shrimper’s Heaven platter.” “No matter how good you’re feeling about the Forrest’s Seafood Feast you just pulled out of the deep fryer, there’s always someone out there ready to take you down a peg. That’s just Times Square, my man. All part of the game.” Sources said Grayson then offered Fieri a plate of Bubba’s Dumb Luck Coconut Shrimp on the house.
NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend’s deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.
“I designed this shirt because no matter how hard I try, I can never be happy,” said Lauren, who spoke to reporters Saturday in a detached monotone, though he was heard quietly sobbing as the crumpled blue oxford with a large orange blotch down the front made its runway debut. ”I try and try and try, but these days I can never seem to… It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t matter. That’s what this shirt is about, I guess.”
“It’s particularly good for walking on the beach alone at 2 a.m. and wondering if you should just let the tide take you away forever,” Lauren added. ”Believe me, it’s perfect for that.”
Featuring a missing button, garlic and body odor infused right into the cotton weave, and a cigarette burn across the unraveling embroidery of a Polo logo, the new shirt is the signature item in Lauren’s recently launched ”Fuck It, Just Fuck Everything” line. Other items, such as stretch-fit khakis, mismatched socks, and well-worn penny loafers soaked in rainwater, are specifically tailored to complement the shirt.
“Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With a Marinara Stain On It” via The Onion
“When I saw the numbers and realized Republicans weren’t embracing my message, I breathed easily for the first time in months,” the former Utah governor and ambassador to China said. “They’re terrifying. We’re talking about people who blame the unemployed for their own predicament and literally applaud the idea of letting those who don’t have health insurance die. What would it say about me if they gravitated toward me personally or approved of my political principles?” Huntsman added that it was a huge weight off his shoulders when Herman Cain surged ahead of him in the polls, noting that it could easily have been him.
PEARL HARBOR, HI—Still haunted by the horrific images seared into his memory, an emotional Josh Hartnett returned to the scene of Pearl Harbor Tuesday, choking back tears as he revisited the site of one of the worst atrocities in American history.
“I felt like I needed to come back here for closure,” Hartnett said. “For 10 years, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, panicked from the same nightmare in which I experience Pearl Harbor all over again.”
“Everyone knows Pearl Harbor was a terrible, terrible thing,” Hartnett added. “But they can’t truly fathom how awful it was unless they were actually there.”
Hartnett, who was just 22 years old at the time of the atrocity, described the experience as a never-ending stretch of misery that seemed like something from a bad movie.
Explaining that at the time he was merely doing what was asked of him by those in charge, Hartnett said he has always been tormented by the unspeakable acts he witnessed in Pearl Harbor. Wracked with guilt, he has questioned the errors in judgment that allowed the three-hour tragedy to occur in the first place.
“Of course it affected the whole country, but I have to live with it every day of my life,” said Hartnett, surveying the place where a cruel and delusional egomaniac directed the disgraceful attack on American culture. “The truth is, we were never prepared for an atrocity of this magnitude, and I guess it all happened so quickly that we never had a chance. Even now, all these years later, it makes me sick just thinking about it.”
“I talk to my buddy Ben about it sometimes—he understands,” Hartnett added. “We were in that shit together.”
Surveys indicate that while Clarkson cannot move or speak, many see him as “more likable” than Romney. “Of all the Republican candidates, [Clarkson] is the one I’d most like to have a beer with, if beer can go in his IV,” systems analyst Paul Lancaster of Scranton, PA told Onion News Network reporters.
Clarkson’s entry into the race may also put a damper on the growing momentum of Herman Cain’s campaign. Polls show 54% of voters see Cain’s proposed “9-9-9” tax plan as “making less sense” than Clarkson’s plan of lolling his head to the side and breathing shallowly.
— “Man in Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Pulling Ahead of Romney” via The Onion
Despite Reinart’s polite assertions that he had a busy itinerary with a visiting Estonian delegation and senior White House officials, Biden insisted the two of them should “lose the suits” and cruise up to the roof where they could unwind with a couple of brews.
“Fuck it—let’s go up,” said Biden, who opened a Coors tallboy and handed the overflowing can to the ambassador, ignoring his gentle protests. “I’ll get the grill going, and we can just throw whatever we want on there. I got some sweet lawn chairs, a cooler, even some fireworks. I usually do my own Fourth of July thing up there.”
“Just gotta snag my tuneage,” Biden added while retrieving a boom-box stereo and a handful of cassette tapes from a vacant office. “I’ll bring the binocs, too. Never know when a few topless chicks with balconies might be out catching some rays.”
Ha: “Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants to Check Out Roof (via The Onion)
While the publication currently serves 3.6 million print readers and boasts 7.5 million unique visitors a month to its website, there have been signs of financial strain. The company instituted a pay wall for its overseas readers in August of this year, and entered into a spat with the WGA over payment of its writers leading up to the second season of “ONN” on IFC.
Initial calls made to the company’s Chairman and CEO Steve Hannah in Chicago were not returned, however, a company spokesperson told HuffPost, “We’re still in the very early stages of this process, but we’re looking forward to eventually having everyone under one roof in Chicago.”