I have no idea why I think it is so hilarious, but two years later, I still cannot look at the headline and the photo without laughing. The fun fact is that Giamatti actually lives near me in Brooklyn, and I once saw him on the street and laughed at him because I instantly thought of this headline. I am sure he thought I was a crazy person, but it would have been too complicated to say, “It’s not you, Paul Giamatti. It’s that Onion headline!” Ah, neighborly regrets.
OAK BROOK, ILTouting its latest menu offering as a grizzled, tough, and brashly exciting dining option, McDonalds CEO Don Thompson officially launched the companys new six-piece Chicken NcNoltes meal at a press event Wednesday.
I am really disappointed in the art for this piece, though I am amused by just imagining a box of tiny Nick Noltes.
NEW YORK—Dejected by the scathing New York Times review of his new Times Square–based eatery, Guy Fieri was reportedly consoled today by local Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. franchise owner Phillip Grayson, who told the depressed Food Network star, “Hey, definitely been there before, man.” “Don’t worry, bud, I know exactly what you’re going through right now,” Grayson said to a crestfallen Fieri, explaining that he’s “seen more than [his] own share of bad reviews slamming Bubba Gump’s Dixie Fishwich and Shrimper’s Heaven platter.” “No matter how good you’re feeling about the Forrest’s Seafood Feast you just pulled out of the deep fryer, there’s always someone out there ready to take you down a peg. That’s just Times Square, my man. All part of the game.” Sources said Grayson then offered Fieri a plate of Bubba’s Dumb Luck Coconut Shrimp on the house.
NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend’s deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.
"I designed this shirt because no matter how hard I try, I can never be happy," said Lauren, who spoke to reporters Saturday in a detached monotone, though he was heard quietly sobbing as the crumpled blue oxford with a large orange blotch down the front made its runway debut. "I try and try and try, but these days I can never seem to… It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t matter. That’s what this shirt is about, I guess."
"It’s particularly good for walking on the beach alone at 2 a.m. and wondering if you should just let the tide take you away forever," Lauren added. "Believe me, it’s perfect for that."
Featuring a missing button, garlic and body odor infused right into the cotton weave, and a cigarette burn across the unraveling embroidery of a Polo logo, the new shirt is the signature item in Lauren’s recently launched ”Fuck It, Just Fuck Everything” line. Other items, such as stretch-fit khakis, mismatched socks, and well-worn penny loafers soaked in rainwater, are specifically tailored to complement the shirt.
"Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With a Marinara Stain On It" via The Onion