NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend’s deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.
"I designed this shirt because no matter how hard I try, I can never be happy," said Lauren, who spoke to reporters Saturday in a detached monotone, though he was heard quietly sobbing as the crumpled blue oxford with a large orange blotch down the front made its runway debut. "I try and try and try, but these days I can never seem to… It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t matter. That’s what this shirt is about, I guess."
"It’s particularly good for walking on the beach alone at 2 a.m. and wondering if you should just let the tide take you away forever," Lauren added. "Believe me, it’s perfect for that."
Featuring a missing button, garlic and body odor infused right into the cotton weave, and a cigarette burn across the unraveling embroidery of a Polo logo, the new shirt is the signature item in Lauren’s recently launched ”Fuck It, Just Fuck Everything” line. Other items, such as stretch-fit khakis, mismatched socks, and well-worn penny loafers soaked in rainwater, are specifically tailored to complement the shirt.
"Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With a Marinara Stain On It" via The Onion